Starting around age 8 I prayed I would become anorexic. No matter how hard I tried I couldnt make myself fast. I started smoking at 13 to try and slow my eating down. All it did was separate my "eating events".
All through high school I tried to become bulemic but found that I hated throwing up more than being fat. Gave up and got fatter. Lied to everyone about why I was so fat. Sat in the parking lot of the grocery store at 5:30 am daily, eating 2 dozen donuts and crying. Hated myself, hated my husband, hated my kids, hated everything. I thought that WLS would make it all better.
I lost 80 lbs in 4 months. Thought about fucking guys other than my husband. I chew up food I know I cant have and spit it out, just to have the taste. I'm obsessed with cooking. I'm mad. Depressed. I feel like a different person.
My mother has become the food/health Nazi and I avoid talking to her so I dont have to hear how bad that piece of bread is for me. I'm sick of people ogling me and making comments like " So what are you going to do once you lose all the weight?"
Uh, well Goober, I think I'll have a giant binge and see if I can balloon back up. Or maybe I'll poke your
eyes out and fingerfuck your skull, numbnuts. In reality I usually just say "I'm not sure." which confuses them.
Anyway, I feel better now, thanks.
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