I'm secretly afraid that I am as wonderful as everyone seems to think I am.
Being fat made me invisible. People didn't seek me out to talk to me. Men especially didn't talk to me. It scares me to have men talk to me. I am afraid of my own desires. I have made so many mistakes in relationships. What happens if I make another? I think that I would try to eat myself to death again.
I was sexually abused as a very young child and have worked very hard through therapy to deal with it. Prior to therapy, food was my answer. If the doughnut didn't work, maybe the pizza would. I spent years MO, protecting myself with two of me. Now that I have lost, and grieved for my "protector and cushion" (130 pounds of extra me), I feel vulnerable and scared. The real me is out there and folks pay attention to me and expect things of me. I can't hide any more. While I have come a long way in understanding and dealing with what happened, it looks like I get to do some more. Sigh.
I lied when I went in for my psychiatric evaluation as part of the pre-op process. When asked if I ever had an eating disorder, I said no. I had been bulimic for several years. It's not an issue post-op even 4 years out, but I still feel "fat" and see "fat" when I look in the mirror. It's only when I see myself in a picture, am I shocked that the person I see is me. I don't think I'll ever not feel fat, even after losing 140lbs and now a small size.
I think obesityhelp.com is full of snotty-ass bitches who need to get a fucking life.
My procedure was rny gastric bypass on May 28, 2009. My beginning weight was 287 lbs. Immediately after surgery I developed Sepsis. The staple gun used during surgery failed & I had two leaks in my stomach. On the morning of May 29th, I went back into surgery to repair the leaks. I ran a high fever, & was placed in ICU. I developed pneumonia, my lungs collapsed, renal failure, swelled up to 360 lbs & I was in a coma for 10 weeks & was placed on a ventilator, & a feeding tube was placed in my stomach. I was given a 30% chance to live. I spent a total of 91 days in the hospital. I lost my muscles during the hospital stay. I am still learning how to walk again with physical therapy. The week before I came home from the hospital, they removed the feeding tube & began to give me soft foods. Ever since they took out the feeding tube, I throw-up everything. Over the last few weeks I can't even keep water down. Since coming home 8/21/09, I have been placed back into the hospital six times. Recently placed back on feeding tube. Blood work shows I am not absorbing nutrients. NONE! I have lost 112 lbs in 7 mths. I was told by my doctor last week that I am dying.
I'm sad so I'm eating cookies. Dipped in sugary coffee. It only hurts me, not the person who yelled at me. I know better. But I don't know any other place to put the hurt even after all the therapy paid for and pounds lost.
I am a bit frightened that I might die from wls and maybe that is why I just can't get my 10% off. I am eating fairly well, but the weight won't come off. I am on a liquid diet until I see my surgeon in a few days. I am hoping to schedule, but only if I lose the weight. sigh.
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